


Escargoon Writes a Callout Post for Everyone

by Chime (Chimeranyx), Chimeranyx



Series: Chatficverse [4]
Category: Hoshi no Kaabii | Kirby: Right Back at Ya!, Kirby (Video Games)
Genre: Arguing, Canon Divergence - Post Star Allies, Chatlogs, everyone is problematic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 08:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29623359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chimeranyx/pseuds/Chime, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chimeranyx/pseuds/Chimeranyx
Summary: Escargoon kind of realizes everyone's a little... problematic - not in the bigotry sense, but in the "committed crimes" sense, and tries to process that.
Relationships: Escargoon/King Dedede
Series: Chatficverse [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2181165
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	Escargoon Writes a Callout Post for Everyone

**Author's Note:**

> escargoon and dedede are not in a committed relationship yet in this fic - they've kissed and dated, but they haven't started calling themselves boyfriends.
> 
> this fic takes place about a month after the main chatfic ends

"Dedede, you did  _ what _ ?"

Dedede paused, and set down the book in his hands. He didn't like the way Escargoon was looking at him - and maybe it was for the best. "I - listen, I ain't proud of it -"

"Is that how you're gonna deflect every time this sort of thing gets brought up?" Escargoon's hands were balled into fists. "I know you ain't proud of stealing an  _ entire kingdom's worth of food,  _ but you can't bring that up like it's nothing -"

"But Kirby gave all of it back after a few hours, so everything's okay-"

"It is most certainly  _ not _ okay!" Escargoon slammed his fist on a nearby table. "What if he didn't get the food back in a few days? How many people could have  _ starved to death _ because of  _ your _ greed?"

Dedede grit his teeth. "I don't see what gives  _ you _ the right to lecture me on greed!" he snapped as his anger grabbed the reins. " _ You _ were perfectly fine with war crimes as long as  _ you _ got paid!" 

He instantly regretted those words as he watched Escargoon's expression fall, watched tears come to the snail's eyes. "Oh, oh no, Goonie, I'm sorry, I... l shouldn't have said that…"

"No, I - you're right, it's just ..." Escargoon choked back a sob. "... Just. Go. I don't wanna to talk to you right now."

Dedede did as he was told, his head burning with regret.  


* * *

_ 12:59 pm _

**Goonie:** so was anyone going to tell me dedede stole all of dreamland's food once

**Goonie:** or was i gonna have to find that out for myself

**Susie:**

**Gaylien:** uh

**Borb:** I thought you already knew.

**Marx (derogatory):** no meta you forgot he's not up to date on the lore

**Marx (derogatory):** anyway yeah him stealing all the food is like. small potatoes compared to some of the shit we've pulled.

**Goonie:** have all of you secretly been terrible this whole time?

**Taranza:** I wouldn't say secretly…

**Taranza:** It just... Never got brought up I suppose?

**Taranza:** Would you like to talk in DMs, Escargoon?

**Goonie:** okay

* * *

_ 1:20 pm _

**_Escargoon_ ** _ is talking to  _ **_Taranza_ ** _! _

**Escargoon:** Your boyfriend did WHAT

**Taranza:** He has a name.

**Escargoon:** fine.

**Escargoon:** Magolor TRIED TAKING OVER THE UNIVERSE?

**Taranza:** I'm not going to downplay it. Yes, he did.

**Taranza:** There may have been a possession aspect to the whole thing, but that's an explanation, not an excuse.

**Taranza:** If you're going to get after him about it, have the same energy for Susie. 

**Escargoon:** okay but she gave up her company and became a nun. i think that's kind of a step in the right direction?

**Taranza:** ... True.

**Escargoon:** … alright what did kirby do wrong.

**Taranza:** Kirby?

**Escargoon:** if i'm getting details on how poorly behaved you guys are i might as well start with him

**Escargoon:** i know that’s kind of “pot, meet kettle” coming from me but like

**Escargoon:** i’m actively trying to improve myself as a person

**Escargoon:** and if like, you guys are gonna hold me back

**Taranza:** Well… He does have the tendency to attack first and ask questions later.

**Taranza:** Which has consequences. You'll have to ask Dedede or Meta Knight more about it, though, as I haven’t been too exposed to what happens when Kirby makes terrible decisions.

**Escargoon:** okay. I guess he goes in the tier just below "has done nothing wrong in their life."

**Taranza:** You

**Taranza:** You're making a tier list.

**Escargoon:** yes.

**Escargoon:** right now magolor is at the bottom.

**Taranza:** … Okay.

**Taranza:** If it helps you process this, it's fine.

* * *

_ 3:40 pm _

**Goonie:** … my god

**Goonie:** the only person who hasn't done anything problematic here

**Goonie:** is gooey

**Goonie:** now granted, i’m biased

**Goonie:** but i’m pretty sure gooey can’t do anything wrong

**Gooey:** m

**Sword Lesbian:** fucking superb, you funky little goo blob

**Sword Lesbian:** how’s it feel to be the only valid person in the galaxy   
**Gooey:** caaan i get iceeeecreeeam

**Sword Lesbian:** hell yeah let me get franny to help you

**Marx (derogatory):** wh

**Marx (derogatory): @Ribbon** why are you three tiers down

**Ribbon:** … i stole someone's name.

**Ribbon:** but they deserved it! so no matter what escargoon says, i was in the right there!

**Goonie:** i need to lie down for a moment.

* * *

Escargoon found himself curled up, hugging a pillow to his chest. He had no more tears left - they'd dried up a few hours ago, shortly after he’d started making his silly tier list. All he felt now was a weird numbness in his chest.

There was a knock on the door, snapping through that numbness. Escargoon licked his lips, just now realizing how dry and raw his throat felt. "Who is it?" he rasped.

"It's me, Goonie. Dedede." A pause. "I… wanted to apologize." God, he sounded so  _ genuine…  _ it was a breath of fresh air.

Escargoon rolled over and stared at the door. "Alright, fine. Come in." Dedede opened the door, slowly - and for some reason that ticked him off. "'M not made of eggshells, you know."

Dedede straightened up a little from his slouch. "Yeah. I know." He entered the room, but let the door stay open, and tapped his fingers together. "So."

"So."

"I'm sorry for blowing up at you earlier." Dedede looked him in the eyes - oh, he'd probably rehearsed this multiple times, spiraled down a drain of hypothetical conversations. "It wasn't fair of me to do that."

"... You were right, though." Escargoon admitted, both to himself and Dedede. "Honestly it makes me sick, knowin' how I was."

"And you were right to call me out on the food thing," Dedede said as he approached the bed, cautiously. "Is it okay if I sit down?"

Escargoon nodded, somewhat amused that the king of Dream Land was asking  _ him _ for permission to do something. As Dedede lifted himself onto the mattress, he thought about all the things the others had done. "At least you didn't try takin' over the universe or somethin' dumb like that."

"That still doesn't make it any less messed up, though!" Dedede said as he shook his head. "I… no. You're not my therapist. I'm not going to dump all my baggage on you unprovoked, that’s not fair."

Escargoon blinked. "You see a therapist?" 

"Uh, yeah. It's mostly for my PTSD though." 

"... Can I get their card?" Escargoon blurted out. "I… that's probably a weird thing to ask, but I think therapy might be a good idea for me? I can’t keep venting to you and Taranza forever."

Dedede shrugged. "I don't have it on me, but I'll see about it." He flopped over and gazed into Escargoon's eyes. "Is it okay if we cuddle?"

"Yeah. But only cuddlin'." Escargoon shifted a little closer. 'M still a little upset, so I don't want any kisses."

"Alright." Dedede threw an arm over Escargoon's body, drawing their bodies together.

"... You know," Escargoon whispered after a while. "I'm still not so sure about... how everyone's committed some sort of felony." He stared out the window. "Is it something you get used to?"

"... I. God." Dedede rubbed his temples. "I don't wanna say I've been desensitized to it... but I think I have?" He let loose a nervous chuckle. "Maybe I should bring it up to my therapist."

"Maybe." Escargoon sighed. "For the record, I don't think it was a mistake coming here, I just... there's still things I need to fully process."

"And that's fine. I'll wait."

"Mmh." Escargoon still felt like he hadn't solved a thing - but that was probably okay. There wasn't much he could really do, after all. Slowly, steadily, he drifted to sleep in Dedede's arms.


End file.
